[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.