I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later