*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It