three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Strangers have the best candy.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Air conditioning – not a fan
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.