took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
You Might Also Like
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*