Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁