Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it