I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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Guilty! 🤪
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.