6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.