Florida be like…
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.