All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor