*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.