“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way