Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked