My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode