I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me sliding into hell like
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
💻🤡
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy