Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You Might Also Like
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW