Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
peep davidson
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Hey i am sexy to you now