My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.