romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off