[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”