[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.