Found my door mat
You Might Also Like
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”