I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!