Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.