rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
You Might Also Like
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
When I said I liked it rough.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.