All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking