Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.