RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Just me and my debit card against the world
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.