Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team