My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
For the orator and chef in all of us
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.