Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.