Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
New mindset, who dis?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
constantly working on myself.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.