If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Happy Taco Tuesday