In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I’M CRYINGGG
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.