the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I feel it
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I gave up going to work for lent.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*