[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.