Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Who called it baking and not making love
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards