HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.