gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
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[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
How dramatic are you?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.