*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Weighing up my bread heating options
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves