Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind