My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
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This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”