*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Are we there yet?…
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Bike for sale
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.