I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
You Might Also Like
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.