My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
🔦🌙👣
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress