A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.