never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The days of good grammer has went
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm