Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
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Me sliding into hell like
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
seems like a niche market
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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