My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
fixed it